MY COLUMN: The Nevada delegation meets

I have obtained a transcript of the latest Nevada congressional delegation meeting that took place in the office of Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid last week:

Reid: Welcome, everyone. Congressman Horsford is running a few minutes late. He’s on some MSNBC show.

Dina Titus: Why do they always call him? I’m a damn professor. I’m not happy.

Reid: Oh, stop it, Dina, or I’ll get Rory to run for something you want.

Dean Heller: I don’t understand why I’m not on FOX more.

Mark Amodei: Um, maybe because you sound like a Democrat half the time, Dean?

Reid: I think FOX is funded by the Kochs.

Joe Heck: Seriously, you do this in private, too, senator?

Heller: Well, I think the Kochs are patriots.

Reid: Didn’t learn your lesson on that one yet, eh, Dean?

Amodei: Stop being a domestic terrorist to poor Deano, senator. He’s already had to deal with being linked to fellow Bundy lovers Michele Fiore and Niger Innis.

Horsford comes in.

Horsford: Did someone mention Niger? Is there more oppo on him coming out? That guy is a treasure trove.

Titus: Can we actually talk about some issues?

Reid: Good idea. We need to talk about these BLM hearings Senator Heller wants to have?

Amodei (laughing): Don’t worry, senator, Dean doesn’t want to take your solar plant away.

Reid (smiling): Oh, I’m out of that deal. Med pot is my game now. You can plant a lot of grass on Cliven’s ranch.

Heller: I know some patriots who will never let that happen.

Amodei: Wait, you say that stuff in private, too? Guys, lighten up.

Heck: This all sounds like a pyramid scheme to me. Maybe we should talk about fixing Obamacare or how much I love immigration reform right about now.

Titus: By now you mean right before the campaign really gets going and you have to pretend to be a moderate? I remember when you did that against me.

Amodei: Who won that race? I forget.

Reid: Can we please talk about business instead of trading insults? Now about these BLM hearings, Dean….

Heller: Listen, Harry, I know Bundy is a deadbeat and a lawbreaker. But I can’t say that. And I NEED these hearings.

Horsford: Senator, you are not up until 2018! You don’t need anything.

Amodei: He needs whatever his chief of staff tells him he needs.

Heller: Are you ever serious, Mark?

Amodei: If you had my district-for-life, would you be?

Titus: Yeah, it’s nice having one of those. Now all I have to worry about is Harry running someone against me.

Reid: Dina, you know I love you. Like I loved John Ensign. And like I love Dean.

Horsford: And me? Rory doesn’t want to run for my seat, right, senator? (Laughs warily.)

Reid: Steven, come on. You are going to help me in the rurals in 2016!

Amodei: By help you, does that mean ensuring you only get shot in the leg and not the heart?

Titus: F—k the rurals.

Reid: See, Dina, we agree on some policies!

Heller: There are a lot of patriots in the rurals.

Other four: Shut up, Dean!

Reid: Joe, how do you feel about Senator Heller’s BLM hearings?

Heck: Frankly, I’ve read every piece that’s been written and watched every video, and I just want this thing to go away. I don’t see how prolonging this helps anyone. Seems like it could end up being a pyramid scheme for some of us.

Heller: But the BLM acted too aggressively. And some people even got their feelings hurt.

Horsford: Senator, whatever the BLM did was not nearly as bad as how scared my constituents are by those militias up there. I will never take a back seat in standing up for my constituents.

Amodei: Yo, congressman, you’re not on MSNBC now. No one’s watching. It’s just us.

Reid: This is getting us nowhere. What are we going to tell the media we talked about?

Titus: We can always say we were talking about Yucca Mountain. They always buy that. And we’re all against it. Right Mark?

Amodei: Oh don’t try that one with me, Dina. I hate the dump as much as anyone. Well, as much as some people. Well, about as much as someone who doesn’t really care about the issue.

Reid: OK, we’re done. I need to get back to the floor. It’s Koch-bashing time, and I have a quota to meet.

Heck: I need to see if my opponent has sent out any “Joe hates women and Hispanics” emails today. I wish you would back her off, Harry. You know I’ll never run against you.

Reid: Really? Then I’ll cut off the funding to her.

Titus: He’ll do it, too, Joe. Just ask Ruben Kihuen. Harry can be fickle. No offense, senator.

Reid (smiling): None taken.

Horsford: Sorry, folks, gotta run. Have a hit with MSNBC in a few. Thanks for helping me practice.