Advice for GOP candidates

If you foolishly decide to fill out the "We intend to screw incumbents and people with triple-digit IQs" Nevada Republican Party pre-primary endorsement questionnaire, I have an answer sheet for you.

No need to thank me.

1. Describe, in detail, your professional & educational experience. (may attach detailed resume) 

I have a lot of experience. My most important experience, though, is never having been to a Republican central committee meeting, so I have not been scared away from politics.
2. What unique skills do you bring to the position? Why are you running for this position? 
I am running because I want to upgrade the image of the GOP. My unique skill is that I am not, I repeat, a member of the Republican central committee.
3. Is there any problem in your past either professional or personal that would cause you or the party a 
problem during your campaign? 
Unlike prominent party officials, I have never been investigated by the FBI, sanctioned by the state ethics commission or been accused of identity theft.
4. Have you run for political office before? What office /result? 
You can handle this one.
Section II, Party Participation
5. In your opinion, what is the role of the Nevada Republican Party? 
To be neither seen nor heard, to elect someone as chairman who will help win elections and not antagonize the most prominent elected officials and our most prominent donor. 
6. In what ways have/will you participate in the growing success within the Nevada Republican Party & its 
I cannot answer this question because the premise is so ridiculous. Growing success? Really?
7. Have you read the Nevada Republican Party Platform? Describe your position on the platform and its 
relationship to your office.
Read the platform? That's funny. Of course not. My position on its relationship to my office is this: It has no relation to my office.
8. As an official, what is/will be your approach towards party leaders’ and members’ communication 
regarding legislation and/or policy? 
I will ignore them.
Section III, Vision & Goals
9. What does being republican mean to you? Briefly describe your political philosophy? 
It means knowing which words should be capitalized. My philosophy is to try to win elections, so it is not like the state GOP's at all.
10. What is the relationship of the United States Constitution with the office you are seeking? What does 
the Second Amendment mean to you, and how will you fight to ensure its protection? 
The relationship of the Constitution with the office I am seeking? Who writes this stuff?
The Second Amendment means I have the right to bear arms. How will I fight to ensure its protection? I will make sure I don't embrace zealots such as Michele Fiore. How 'bout them apples?
Fourth Amendment?
Seriously? Didn't you forget a few amendments, geniuses?
11. What are the top three goals or priorities you seek to accomplish during your next term for the office 
you seek?
1. Get better leadership for the state GOP.
2. Get rid of this process.
3. Get re-elected.
12. Should Nevada enact a personal income tax and if so, why?
Why, yes, yes Nevada should! (You guys are tricky!)
13. Do you think that private contractors should be used to provide services that the state has traditionally 
handled and if so, why?
Yes, I think most every state function should be turned over to Michael McDonald's consulting business.